Wait, what? No, this post is not about THAT. No, it is a different number two. This is about my kid(s) and being a father. No, still not about THAT.
I don’t believe I have shared this on here, but my wife is expecting another child due the beginning of next year. I shall refer to him as ID on here. We have known about the coming of ID since late spring/early summer. Now that it is late fall/early winter, I am ready to admit some of my mixed feelings about it all.
Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am very excited about our second child. I really am. We wanted to have another one for a while now. It was awesome news to get to know that there was new life on the way. This is what we have been hoping for. Now that NB is a little older now, we are ready for another little one.
What has surprised me, however, is how different this pregnancy would be and how I would go through rollercoaster thoughts and emotions. The pregnancy itself is fine, LA and ID are doing great. What is different is how I am interacting with ID.
When LA was pregnant for our first son, I was excited. It consumed my thoughts a good bit. I talked to him constantly. I read to him (and LA) at night. I dreamed about what he would be like. I was connected. I was zoned in. There was great anticipation of being a daddy. I couldn’t wait. It was almost like he was already here in my mind even months before he was born. I was so ready to start my trip into fatherhood.
With ID, it is so different. I haven’t felt that way at all. The excitement has been limited. I haven’t talked to him much. I haven’t read to at all except during the reading times with NB when both my wife and I are sitting with him. I haven’t felt connected to him. I haven’t dreamed much about what he would be like. A lot of times I have just been scared that I would not connect with him at all because I am so connect to NB. I just have no clue what it will be like to be the father of two, and there has not been great anticipation to start the journey of it this time.
I know a lot of the reasons behind why it has been this way, but that does not make it any easier. I know a lot of the “thrill” is gone because we have been through it once before. I know my attention is not on ID because I have a son to care for that is already here. I know that the fear of connecting more with one child over the other is natural. I know that I am not trying to think about what he will be like because I know that he will be who he will be and I will love him anyway. I know all of this. But it is still hard on me not to have the same excitement.
It all changed a week ago. LA and I went to the hospital for the preregistration class. As we were watching a video of the process, rooms, and whatnot at the hospital, all of the feelings came back from when we went through this with NB. The ended by showing pictures done by the in-hospital photographer, and the moment hit me with ID. He is really coming. He is really going to be in my arms in just a couple of months! I am going to have another son. It became real. It became exciting. It became all that it was the first pregnancy. I am ID’s father, and I can’t wait to meet him!
This was further cemented in this past Wednesday. One of my best friend’s wife had a baby. We visited them in the hospital. As I got to hold the new little one, the feelings of excitement grew about ID. I am going to have another son to hold and love really soon!
I know I should have had these moments of clarity earlier. At the very least, I should have had them at the ultrasound. I didn’t. I was still so unsure of what it will be like to have to children (I still am not sure what this will be like). I was uncertain if I was going to be able to figure out how to split my attention. I did not not how loving two kids equally yet different was going to work out. I just did know what to think or feel.
I do now. The resevior of love was tapped into. I love NB. I love ID. They are my sons. They are my responsibility. They are my legacy. They are my boys. I don’t know what this all means completely. But it is real. I can’t wait for this adventure to start!
“Okay, Mr. OneCup, what is the God lesson? I know you have one.”
I do. It is simple. Through this, God has given me one thought. He loves me. I am his son. I do not have to worry about how he seems to be working in the lives of others…and by this I mean I do not have to be jealous or concerned that he is not working in my life exactly as he is for others. I can trust that he loves me. He cares for me. His love for me is complete, even if it looks different than how he is working out his love in the lives of other Christians. It is okay, I can trust him. I can trust his love for me. Just like I can love both NB and ID completely, wholly, equally, and different, he can do the same with his children. And his love is pure, holy, and full of grace unlike my love can be here on Earth.
My Father in Heaven loves me, and I can trust that. He proved it by letting his Son die for me. He proved it by bringing him back from the dead as evidence of his acceptance of the sacrafice and his now acceptance of this sinner (me). He proved it by sending the Spirit. And the Spirit proves it to me every day. I can trust in my Father’s love.